More often than not, it is difficult to find a man who wants to honestly share his struggles with others. I get it, it’s hard, and we want to feel strong and in control. The reality, however, is that we need to talk about our personal challenges and victories, and others benefit from hearing these stories. This is one way that we can travel safely (in a convoy) during our masculine journeys. There is a friend of mine that I admire who asked me to walk with him in an accountability program called Covenant Eyes. I don’t know exactly what he is going through, but I know that I can support him as he navigates through his circumstances.
Moving on with the focus of this blog article, I was so fortunate to sit down (virtually) and talk with an individual about his history with pornography. Below is the interview…
Q #1 – Why don’t you begin by outlining your struggle with pornography?
A: When I was about grade 6 a friend came to my house to play, he had a red tool boxes and inside was some kind of pornographic magazine. He asked me if I wanted to see it. I said no -not because I thought it was wrong, but I just wasn’t interested. (I guess “The sleeping giant” wasn’t yet awake.) I attribute this entirely to the grace of God, because I don’t know where my life would be if I had started down that road so early.
Q #2 – So when did the struggle really begin?
A: I was in post secondary when I noticed there could be a problem. Maybe I only realized it because I was trying to live a more spiritual life… Obviously, the access to pornography was not as easy back then with the absence of the internet, but sin is an engine of creativity.
Q #3 – What do you mean? Without readily available access to the internet, how did things progress?
A: Well I found other ways to make it happen. There were channels on TV that weren’t “hard core” or outright porn. I guess they call it “soft porn” -as if that makes it any better- the name maybe makes it easier to excuse and accept. Anyway, I just had tune in late night on City TV, or Showcase -usually on Fridays.
I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t really watching porn because it wasn’t intentional, it was just a random scene of two, or three from a movie. A good unintentional choice was a movie that would most certainly had a few sex scenes, or of course the warning of frontal nudity. It wasn’t like I was going to an adult film store.
Remember back in the day when you rented movies? In that case, I just rented movies that had a greater chance of showing nudity and the odds were good that I could catch a few of those scenes…
It was Seinfeld that said in one of his episodes that a man will watch any show no matter how ridiculous if there was a possibility of frontal nudity. Everyone laughs at this bit, but the reality of this truth was undeniable in my life.
I’ve rented some pretty stupid, and I mean really stupid comedies just because I knew there was a high probability of nudity. Some times I made the choice of movie simply because of the cover. The sexier the female lead look, the more chance I’d rent it. (Why bother looking at the back to figure out what it’s about?) Oh yeah, and to make it feel better (less guilty), I’d just rent at least 3 or 4 movies, and make sure that some where legitimate -meaning, I actually wanted to see them because they were good movies.
Because I liked science fiction movies, there were plenty of them (and fantasy ones as well) that were created for the sole purpose of showcasing the obligatory nude, shower or sex scene. That didn’t take too much looking to find.
Q #4 – You mentioned, when we spoke before, that the movie watching wasn’t enough, what did that mean, and why did it feel that it became even more of a struggle?
A: Well, do you remember that Seinfeld episode about “The Bet”, and being “Master of your domain“? It was really a casual (and brilliant) approach to introduce and joke about the subject of masturbation in a way that removed the embarrassment.
Well, inevitably my watching this stuff lead to doing this. This doubled the guilt I felt, because after all, I was a Christian. It was usually after I did this that I would consider my actions and stop the downward slide. I guess I would spiritually try to regroup.
My prayer was always that of forgiveness and more feelings of guilt. It was a pattern and recipe of my life at that point. I felt a lot like the
Children of Israel in the Old Testament who was always falling back into the sin of idolatry, repenting and then going back in, and then coming back out… What a vicious cycle…
Q #5 – Of course, this wouldn’t be on the Genesis Man Project if there weren’t a light at the end of the tunnel. How did things change?
A: Time, something supernatural, and discussing it at length in my journal.
Q #6 – That’s an interesting answer, you have to elaborate.
A: Well, I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to, and I suppose even if I did, I’d probably be too embarrassed or ashamed to have that conversation. (By the way mentors and parents, I would advise that some times you need to push through the other person’s embarrassment or shame, because I really do think that they want to talk about things.) If someone had persisted with me, I know that I would have talked about it. But you know what, I was also afraid of being judged. For those struggling with this stuff, the best thing you can do is to be brave and speak with someone. Fear is paralyzing and it’ll keep you in a vicious cycle.
Discussing it in my journal was a way that that I could talk to someone. I spoke openly and freely and explored the pros and cons of the subject, and depending on what I was feeling, I went back and forth on the issue… (About being “master of my domain”.) Thankfully, with my relationship with God, He spoke to me in those conversations. When I look back at those journal entries, I see his voice.
Q #6 – What did you meant by supernatural and time?
A: I feel that the Holy Spirit changed things for me. I don’t know how to explain it in words or actual events, but through prayer and allowing myself to stay before God, the power of that situation, lost power over my life. You’ve often referred to pornography as being like handcuffs, and that is so true. Yet one day, I just realized that those handcuffs were gone.
And as for time, well that just meant that some things take time. I think that not giving up while experiencing repeated failures is part of that process of time. I suspect that God has more patience than we think. Look at the story of Gideon and how God (without a judgemental rolling of the eyes) stuck with him through the process of finding his identity. (I read that in chapter 9 of your book.)
Q #7 – Thanks for the plug! So does that mean that you have things licked? No more problems with porn?
A: Yes and no. I don’t have that same debilitating struggle, I’m not handcuffed to those behaviours anymore, but you better believe that I still need to keep vigilant. It’s incredibly easy to fall back into any sin.
There are times when I know that I am feeling vulnerable (to lust) and I have to be particular about the choices of things I watch. There are times when I still find myself watching something stupid simply because there may be a chance of nudity. As men, we always have to concern our selves with sin crouching at the door (You mentioned that in chapter 11). Anytime we think we can’t fall, that’s probably the time that it will happen.
Thanks!
Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. Thanks for reading the book. Thanks sharing your story, it will help someone else. May God continue to be with you in your masculine journey.
Steps Moving Forward
So, what can we do after hearing an interview like this? Where do we go from here? What steps can we take moving forward?
Why don’t we first start with acknowledgement? Can we agree that most (if not all) males either have gone, are going or will go through some struggle with pornography? The statistic from Family Safe Media reveals that fifty percent of men who attend church view pornography. (47% of Christians said pornography is a major problem in their homes. 53% of men (from a prominent men’s group) admitted to viewing pornography (the week the poll was taken). www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html.
I feel that the next step must be recognition. Can we shine a spotlight on those barriers that hinder us from breaking the cycle of pornography? They are the usual suspects… embarrassment, isolation and social and personal acceptance.
[I put out this question in a men’s Facebook group: “Why is pornography more socially accepted?” There was a variety of extremely interesting responses -but that’s for another day.]
Now there probably are more hindrances, but those previously mentioned tend to be the ones that stop men from breaking the cycle.
What’s a good way to begin? Start with self-reflection. You must know yourself. An individual need to admit to himself he is struggling and then decide to commit to action. I believe the first movement involves reaching out. Let someone know that you have an issue. If you never speak out, how can things ever change?
However, let’s say that you are on the (mostly) successful side of this battle; Why not start the conversation? If you have gone through those struggles, ask a friend if they are currently dealing with it -which is likely fifty percent of the guys you know. God didn’t free you so that you would hide your testimony, share it and offer hope. I challenge you to create a safe (non-judgemental) harbour by letting a friend know that he can talk to you about this uncomfortable and embarrassing subject.
You need allies. Being successful in the conflict of pornography involves enriching your knowledge and understanding, because every fight requires ammunition. Resources I recommend are Every Man’s Battle or Every Young Man’s Battle. Also, fathers or close male figures can prepare boys in their journey into manhood through the resource of Passport to Puberty. (What I like about this program is that it equips pre-teens with tools and good advice for avoiding sexual minefields.)
Accountability will be the engine for successful and victorious living. The main idea of the last blog “Convoy Systems” connects directly to what I’m talking about. If we as men support each other and are honest about our struggles, we can travel safely on our journeys as husbands, fathers, friends and mentors. We can find accountability by connecting regularly with a men’s leaders, pastors or counselors. We can find it by joining or starting a small group. Also, depending on your level of resolve, one could even use technology for good by subscribing to accountability programs such as “Covenant Eyes”.
Finally, we must recognize the spiritual nature of this struggle. We all need divine help and connection. (That is the foundation of the “Relationship” aspect to the 3 R’s of the Genesis Man Book.) Commit to prayer and solicit friends to pray for and with you. Furthermore, be direct and specific about the help you need?
I highly recommend that you discuss your trigger -the thing that gets you every time- with God. Talk to him while, during and after your failures. Keep him in the loop all the time. Read Scriptures that strengthen you and transform your thinking and actions. Lastly, embrace the power of God, and recognize the power of the Holy Spirit’s ability to break difficult and spiraling behaviours.
Be a part of the community
What do you think about this blog? Can you relate to the interview? What resources do you recommend? What has help you in this battle? What testimonies or struggles will you share to encourage someone else? Is there someone in your life in this battle? How is it effecting you? (I welcome both male and female viewpoints in this conversation!)
Join the community with your thoughts, ideas and support.
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