As a father, I found myself asking the question of whether I’ve ever hampered, hindered or harmed the relationship with my son.
Being a parent (and a naturally reflective individual), I look at my children and wonder how responsible I am for their temperament, success and hiccups.
During one of my recent work commute devotions, this very question came to mind as I was musing over the book of Job and the way he was engaged with his adult children. I believe that God prompted me to remember my own time as a son to help bring some clarity to my thoughts.
My late dad was a strict Caribbean father, and when I had just turned 16 years old, we went down by the Lake in Oshawa, and after a well-thought-out mental speech, I proceeded to tell him something along the lines of wanting more freedom because I was getting older -in a respectful and heart-felt manner of course.
It was kind of like that Cosby moment when Theo (Dr. Huxtable’s son) made a heartwarming, applause-inducing plea about accepting who he was and his academic achievements (or lack thereof) and the role of loving parental expectations…
“You’re a doctor and mom’s a lawyer and that’s great… But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren’t a doctor, I wouldn’t love you less because you’re my dad. Instead of being disappointed that I’m not like you, maybe you can love me anyway because I’m your son.”
Of course, you know that the tender emotion of the moment was hilariously decimated with the iconic response…
“Theo, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. No wonder you get “Ds” in everything. You are afraid to try because you think your brain is going to explode and ooze out of your ears. You are going to try as hard as you can. You are going to do that because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I’ll take you out! “
Well, my dad’s response was no less amusing in a stereotypical way, as anyone who grew up in a strict Caribbean culture would expect… It started out with…
“If you live in my house…”
(I don’t even remember what he said after that.) It was all the same stuff, just like how whistling in the house was some kind of alpha challenge to manly authority… (I kid you not.)
Really, what was I thinking? My life was not a sitcom! But seriously, do you know what? At that moment (from my perspective) I remembered how my words and thoughts felt like a tennis ball, and my dad was a wall. The harder I pitched the ball, the farther it bounced back.
Now, if you watch the rest of the scene, Dr. Huxtable calls Theo over and says,
“Son, I just want you to do the best you can. I love you…”
In reflection, my dad never hampered, hindered or harmed our relationship purposefully in any way. He loved and provided for our family, brought us to Canada for better life opportunities and was always at home every night. He was either at work or at church.
While he didn’t say those things that the TV dad did in the moment (though part of me wished he had), his consistent actions certainly speak to me now.
(Nevertheless, I do think he missed a unique opportunity in the development of our father-son relationship.)
In reflection, maybe “throwing the ball” may not have been the best strategy, and him being (from my point of view) a “wall” probably wasn’t the best thing he could have been…
We all contribute influences in every relationship with our choices, but as fathers –as men, the onus is on us to engage with our children, and those young people in our sphere of influence.
With the character of Job (in the Old Testament) he remained continually involved in the spiritual lives of his adult sons. We see this reflected in Job 1:5 when he would…
“regularly…send [for] and sanctify them” and “would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all…”
He reasoned that it could be possible during one of their days of feasting they could accidentally curse God in their hearts.
“Sent, Sanctify, Sacrifice…”
If we were to take a lesson from Job, engagement means being an “In person” dad (or mentor) by offering the currency of our time and physical presence. It means through words or by actions letting them know how they are different, unique and set apart for God. It means intentionally making sacrifices towards the end goal of bringing them closer into a relationship with God.
There is no “one size fits all” solution or template, but this is a very essential and crucial direction towards which we can all move.
On 26 April 2025 at 7PM I’ll be hosting an online session with the Local Men’s Leaders and Team Members of Eastern Canada, and anyone else interested in learning about tangible ways of engagement with our boys, young men and youth –specifically via Rites of Passages, Passport 2 Purity, Ceremonies and Mentorship. (Check Here for more information and how to connect.)
Thinking back to my own son, daughters and the young people I mentor, I hope to not miss good relationship-defining opportunities, and aspire to be that conduit and bridge that leads them to a stronger and more tangible relationship with God. I hope not to be a wall, but maybe a doorway or a staircase…
Israel Harriott
Call to Action
Start a conversation! What are ways that you can connect with those around you? Learn more about the following engagement initiatives. Rites of Passages, Passport 2 Purity, Ceremonies and Mentorship. Join us April 26, 2025. For more information or questions please contact us.
The Genesis Man Project 